Cycle Breakers Anonymous
Cycle Breakers Anonymous is a podcast hosted by two sisters navigating healing, relationships, boundaries, and identity while rebuilding life after trauma. Through honest conversations, humor, setbacks, and growth, we share the messy reality of overcoming difficult pasts and creating healthier futures for ourselves and the next generation.
Cycle Breakers Anonymous
The First Link in the Chain
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We are tracing the first link in the chain... childhood. We share stories about growing up with parents whose actions shaped our views. Listen as we explore how the patterns we inherited followed us into adulthood and why we chose to become cycle breakers instead of passing those patterns on.
Disclaimer: We are not mental health professionals and are not promoting or giving advice. Please seek help if needed.
Welcome to Cycle Breakers Anonymous, the podcast where healing gets honest.
SPEAKER_02We are Raven and Rosie, two sisters navigating life after trauma while learning how to break cycles instead of repeating.
SPEAKER_01Each week, we talk about the messy, uncomfortable, funny, exhausting, and empowering cycles we're building our lives. And we're figuring out who we are when survival mode is no longer a good job. This is a space for real conversations, real growth, and real people trying to do better for themselves in the next generation. Some episodes may include discussions of trauma, above, addiction, or other triggering topics. So please take care of yourself while we're saying you are not alone.
SPEAKER_02Welcome to the chat. Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Cycle Breakers Anonymous. We're going to be covering the topic of relationships today.
SPEAKER_01Yes, this is our second episode. If you didn't catch us last time, we just did a really quick introduction of who we are, why we choose to be anonymous, a little bit of background information about our family and things that we've um experienced. And today I think we're going to start with our relationships with our parents because I think that's the kind of the foundation of um where things start for us. So Raven and I found uh some lists, or we created, I guess, some lists of questions that we're gonna go back and forth asking each other just to kind of dig into some of those relationships from when we were younger. So um I'm gonna go ahead and ask the first question. What were some survival skills that you developed as a child that helped you then but hurt you now?
SPEAKER_02I'm gonna have to say overthinking and being hyper-vigilant about everything. Because I think that back then I was constantly looking at all the different angles, at everybody's emotions. I was monitoring body language, I was um obviously like in the morning, I mentioned in the last episode hearing footsteps, if they're angry or not. I mean, just paying attention to every little detail. It was absolutely exhausting. But now, hypervigilance and overthinking can actually be harmful. It makes people feel like you don't trust them, or it can, it just really hurts relationships in a lot of different ways. So I've had to practice and learn a lot about kind of sitting back and trusting, and um, that I don't have to be hyper-aware of everything, and it's just been a lot better.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think for me, um aggression was a big thing. Like I was the littlest of the family. Um I had to fight for myself quite a bit, and so um, if I felt like I was about to get attacked, I would attack, you know? And so that became kind of a a defense mechanism that I would use to just push people away. And when I say attack, I don't mean like physically. Well, I guess in some situations I was maybe physically attacking, but I'm talking emotionally. Like, let's say it's time to sit down and have a serious conversation with someone. If you present me with serious information, I am just like on the defense. Yes, all the time, on the defense. Yes. And so I have had to relearn a lot of how to communicate with people so that I'm not constantly being defensive. Um, I think there's still moments, like even in work, let's say the boss calls you into the office, right? You instantly think, oh, something's wrong. I they think I did something wrong. I gotta come up with whatever I can to automatically be on the defense, even though there could be absolutely nothing there, right? So I've had to unlearn a lot of that feeling. Um, and I think I'm doing pretty good with it now. Absolutely, you are. So my next question. Um, actually, I asked the first one, so I'm gonna let you ask the next one. When you were upset, how did mom and dad typically respond to you? Oh, my feelings did not matter. My feelings did not matter. If I was upset, it was like suck it up buttercup, which in some situations I agree with suck it up buttercup. Like you you fall, you skin your knee, you're allowed to cry for a second, but okay, it's time to get up and try again, right? But I'm talking like big things. There there were definitely um emotional situations that I could have used a lot of counsel and help on, but instead it was your feelings don't matter. Think about how this is affecting everyone else, or and it could have no effect on everybody else, but it was just a way for them to not have to deal with emotional things at all. They could shut it off and move on. And I was left not knowing, like not knowing how to manage my emotions and not being so emotionally intelligent at all.
SPEAKER_02I remember extremes from my childhood as far as them reacting to my emotions, especially hurt and sadness. If I was crying, comfort was not really a thing. It was a get away from me, go to your room type situation. Oh, yeah. It was very cold. And you could be sobbing your heart out, and nobody, nobody came to help you. You were on your own in that. And I also think that there were some times after therapy where it was taken to the opposite extreme. Um, they would then overwhelm me with hugging, but they would do it in such a mocking way. They would say things like, Oh, I'm doing what's best for you, and squeeze me and not want to let me go, even though I was trying to push away and get away from them. It was too much. They would swing back and forth to some crazy extremes and act like it was good for me somehow.
SPEAKER_01So, next question What role do you feel like you play in the family? And and maybe what role did you feel like you played before previously when you were younger?
SPEAKER_02I feel like my role depended on the parent and the situation and the mood. I think it changed a lot. I feel like a lot of times I was like for dad, the golden child. Um because I was consistently trying to be everything that he was, down to his favorite color. There was a while I would say my favorite color was purple, and I only liked root beer. And that was because I was trying to be him, and I wanted his approval so badly, I was willing to just copy everything.
SPEAKER_01And I think I also share some of those same things. I mean, we I think in some ways we idolized our dad. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02And then I think there were other times that I was the scapegoat. I think that it was easy because of some of the behaviors I was having to kind of increase the amount of um negativity directed at me.
SPEAKER_01I think if I was to identify a role for you in the family, like one that overpowered others, I would definitely have said scapegoat for you because you also lacked the emotional intelligence to know how to deal with the big things that you were dealing with. And I think you got the brunt of the abuse from our family. But I also think that because of that abuse, it caused behaviors and it caused big emotions and things like that to where it was easier to make you look like the bad guy and our parents look like the victim.
SPEAKER_02Yes, I totally agree with that. I remember a lot of situations where I don't think that things should have been taken to the extremes that they were taken to, and they were absolutely taken to extremes.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I think for myself, I often played the role of the invisible child. I agree with that. Like, so our our older brother has Asperger syndrome, and he also lacked so like social emotional skills, emotional intelligence, things like that, because it was never taught and it is teachable. Um and so between him and my sister, there was so much focus on the both of them that I often kind of slid through the cracks and I, you know, I did what I wanted. I I mean, I kept to myself, I was really quiet, I was afraid to get in trouble and things like that, but the attention was not on me, so I definitely felt like the invisible child. And in some ways I felt neglected. Um, and I desperately wanted the attention from my family. But then I think another big role that I played also was Peacemaker. I mean, I remember being a tiny little kid and standing between my huge dad and my huge brother, like they're both over six foot tall, and trying to stop them from killing each other, like stop them from physically fighting, and then also going around to each person in the family, like, hey, you know, this person probably didn't mean that thing because of this, and I'm making excuses for these people, and I'm just a little kid. You were trying to improve our environment, you were trying to bring a sense of safety and and none of that was my responsibility, but I so carried it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you did.
SPEAKER_01And I think I still carry a lot of the peacemaker trait. You absolutely do. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Um, your turn. Okay. Um were affection and approval given consistently, or did it feel like it was conditional for you?
SPEAKER_01Um, affection is an interesting topic, and I think whenever I talk with anybody about my family and my history, affection is one of the number one things to come up. Affection did not happen for me very often at all. And and I think it's very different from both parents. So with mom, it was conditional 100%. If I did what she wanted, then I could have a hug or whatever it was. But if I was um upset, if I was crying myself to sleep, things like that, I could not have a hug until I was done crying because crying was bad.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01That's what we were taught. And then with my dad, he didn't hug. He it was very rare, and it wasn't until I was an adult that he tried to give me hugs, and it's still so awkward and still so hard, just because I was never taught that affection could be a positive thing, right? And so I think that's part of what got me into some of the abusive relationships that I was in was because when I had physical affection, then I leaned into that and I completely ignored all the red flags that came with it because I was like, well, this must be love if these people are offering me affection, right? Um, so affection was conditional for mom. For dad, it just did not exist.
SPEAKER_02I felt like I was giving credit to some of the stuff that dad would do as affection, even though it wasn't really affection. I was only like, for instance, if I was completing tasks or jobs that he gave me outside, or you know doing basically exactly what he wanted when he wanted, the verbal approval, I think I took as affection at that time. But I was only ever getting, I think for him, for me anyway, our relationship, it was also conditional. Um I think it was conditional with mom as well. Um, and only when you do what they're wanting type of deal. And hugs were that I remember that. I I didn't remember for before, but I remember now that hugs were definitely conditional. Like you had to earn a hug, finish the dishes, and put them away, and then you can have a hug. You didn't get a hug just because you needed one.
SPEAKER_01And it's interesting because I I think I got so used to that that even now when I leave our parents' house, and I go I see them probably once a week. Um, but when I leave our parents' house, I naturally just get up to walk out, say goodbye, see you guys next time. And then my mom, I think, feels a little guilty for that because every once in a while she'll stop and say, Oh, wait, you're leaving without a hug. And it's just kind of weird, like, okay, hold on. When did this become important? When did this become a thing? But I don't say that. Like, I'll stop and I'll give her a hug and whatever and I'll leave. Sometimes my dad will, but it's usually only around like big events, my wedding, or like um, if I was really upset with something and then we sat down and had a conversation to try to resolve it, things like that, then I might get a hug, but only like since I was an adult, right? He hugged me when he found out that I was 19 and pregnant, and that was um a really difficult moment for me too, but affection just did not come often. And right now it just feels awkward and performative, in my opinion. I don't know that it feels performative to me. I think it feels out of it feels like it's out of guilt. Maybe like they're going through the motions to try to replace the things that they didn't give us before. And I also still think there's a lot that's still lacking. There's a lot that they still need to learn, but they're not really willing to learn. That leads me to my next question. Um, how did our childhood affect your ability to set boundaries with partners?
SPEAKER_02Um I was accustomed to just flat out not being able to have boundaries uh unless it served a purpose. Um, and that really was never a thing.
SPEAKER_01I think we were taught to do what you're told.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And then we carried that into our relationships, and it's like you do what you're told, and if this is what I'm needing you to do, that's what you do, and that's it. So there was no boundaries.
SPEAKER_02When I was a kid, I had a strong sense of justice, and I knew when things didn't feel right, and I was vicious about it, and that carried into my relationships too. Um things didn't feel right, I would say something, I would get hurt, but that was normal, and that was the cycle. I would continue living in that cycle. So, how did you create boundaries for the relationship that you have now? Um, we just talk about it. I mean it took when my relationship started, this relationship that I'm in, I was really struggling, I think, with expecting things to go bad. I was struggling with expecting to be tr being treated poorly and being treated so well, I was uncomfortable. And I think for like the first six months or so of that relationship, I was pretty toxic because I was I was defending myself before anything would even happen and nothing would happen. And it took a lot of coaxing and loving and support to get to a point where I felt safe to say, I don't really like it when this happens, or um, can we maybe do this tomorrow because today I don't feel well or whatever, setting just the most simple things and it was totally fine. And with practice, I've been able to do that now without having those icky feelings of guilt latched on. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think you kind of hit the nail on the head there. When it comes to having a healthy relationship, which I will say that I am in the healthiest relationship I've ever had in my life now. I'm married, this is my second marriage, but this one is so different than any relationship I've ever experienced before. Because I feel like I can kind of throw it out there that, like, hey, there's something that maybe I don't necessarily agree with. And at the very beginning of that relationship, I would kind of like mentally flinch, like hesitate, waiting for like the argument, the fight, and then it's gonna all go downhill from here, right? But what happened was like, okay, let's talk about it. Let's let's find out where you're at, where I'm at, and figure out where we can find some middle ground. And it was just like, what? Like, yes, exactly.
SPEAKER_02You talk bewildered situation.
SPEAKER_01Like, this is this is normal. Like, we can talk about I can tell you how I'm really feeling, and you're not gonna get mad at me. Like, to this day, and my husband and I have been married for a year now, um, just a little bit more than a year. We don't fight, we've never fought, we've had disagreements and we've had lots of long conversations, but never once has it gotten angry or aggressive, or has it made me feel small again? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02I think my next question is as an adult, what situations still trigger feelings that remind you of growing up with our parents?
SPEAKER_01Um I think it's important to preface my answer of this one with like, I'm also an educator now. So I've seen lots of kids and their interactions with parents and things like that, right? Outside of education, I mean I see families out and about, you know, we live in a neighborhood that has lots of children and things like that. I think things that trigger me most are when parents are very reactive with their children and instantly want to snap and yell and not like have a logical conversation with their kids, right? And um, even with like my ex-husband, oh, he was so very triggering to my childhood with me. He would reach for my daughter's hair to like stop them from going into the next room and say, wait, no, I'm done I'm not done having this conversation with you, come back. And I would just panic. Like, you you don't touch my kids' hair. And the reason is like when we were younger, we would get dragged to our room by our hair. And like when I think about it, my head still hurts. Like, I get the prickly feeling of literally being dragged by my hair places. But I think watching parents interact with their kids in a negative way triggers me a lot because I just want to be like, wait, it's there, it's so much easier. Like, if you could just say it this way or ask these questions or have these conversations, you realize that your kids are little human beings too, and they have brains that are highly intelligent and they're learning and growing. There are so many better ways to handle situations. Um, I haven't laid a hand on my kids as far as spanking in years because I unlearned that behavior because I learned that there are so many other strategies that work better. So, in a nutshell, things that trigger me from my childhood, I think, are usually just interactions that I see that pull me right back to childhood and and feeling so small and the physical abuse and you know the ways the way that we were treated. I agree.
SPEAKER_02I was also still am also an educator, not a teacher. I'm a para at the moment, but I'm going to school to become a teacher. Um, and I have a lot of students in my room who are experiencing very similar situations to what I was exposed to as a kid. And it's heart-wrenching when you see and hear a child coming to you with these situations and they're crying, and that just really throws me back. And I am in a in an odd way grateful that I have the history I have with my family because I feel like I've been able to use that to assist kids that really need it that are in a similar situation. Um, but yeah, I do think that's my my trigger right there.
SPEAKER_01I also think like just being a mom in general triggers a lot of that too. Because like now that I have kids and I can see their little emotions and I can see how their little brains are working, and I can have conversations with them, like it gives me a whole new perspective as an adult than when we were younger. I think we probably have time for one more question here. So I'm gonna look for a good one really quick. Um, here's one. What boundaries do you have currently with our parents today that younger you never imagined having?
SPEAKER_02I do not share deeply personal parts of myself. And this workbook that we're using right now says and advises against sharing that kind of things, but I think that I came across that very naturally. Um but sharing intimate parts of my life allows room for judgment and it allows room for someone to make me feel bad about any of the decisions that I'm making, regardless of what they are. And I think that that is a boundary I never thought that I was gonna have when I was younger. I never imagined I'm not gonna say being estranged. I don't think that we're estranged necessarily, but we're definitely very distant. Um, so I'd say that's the boundary for me.
SPEAKER_01I think for me, up until about 29 or 30, I still very much cared about what my parents thought of me. So like I wouldn't wear shorts that were too short, according to them, because I didn't want them saying anything, or I had to be careful what I said to my kids because they would judge what I how I was parenting, or like it just every little thing that I did, every decision that I made, no matter how small, I constantly weighed in. Well, if I'm gonna see my parents today, like what are they gonna think of that? If I post this on Facebook today, what are they gonna think of that? And so I think my boundary was only created in the last like three years, where now I don't let them tell me how to live. If I want to wear a tank top, I'm gonna wear a tank top. If I have a certain way, I'm gonna parent my children, and my dad says, um, well, in our house, they're allowed to do this and this and this. And I say, Well, they're my kids. And it does not matter if this is your house or not. I'm still their parent. I'm responsible for them, and this is the decision I'm making for them. So I feel like I'm able to put my foot down more with things like that, um, and brush off the judgments that they make towards me and my life because ult ultimately I know that I'm a successful person. I know that I'm raising emotionally intelligent children who are also very successful. Um, and I think I'm not allowing them to be in control of my life in that same way that they were before. Yeah. All right. Well, I think that this wraps up episode number two for today. Um, next time we'll see if we dig in a little bit more about relationships or decide that there's another topic that comes up that we want to talk about. But for now, I hope that you guys take some time to find some self-care. Um, evaluate the relationships that you have for how healthy they might be or how toxic they might be. Hopefully, something here might resonate with you.
SPEAKER_02And on the topic of self-care, let us know in the comments on you know your forms of self-care. What do you like to do to take care of yourself? What are some ideas you can give us? What are some ideas you can give each other? Let's inspire each other. All right, we'll see you next time. Before we go, we want to leave you with this reminder. Not everyone grows up with parents or family members who celebrate their victories, milestones, and moments of growth. If that's been your experience, we see you.
SPEAKER_01So whether you landed a new job, finished a book, made it through a hard week, set a healthy boundary, or simply got out of bed to do when at help is possible. We want to celebrate with you. Big or small, they matter. You don't have to carry out. Until next time, keep breaking cycles, keep putting it right, and remember, celebrate.
