Nobody Taught Us This

What happens when you leave home carrying trauma instead of tools? In this episode, we share the moments adulthood completely overwhelmed us—from finances and grocery store trips to everyday responsibilities that seemed to come naturally to everyone else. We talk honestly about the anxiety that comes from feeling unprepared, grieving the guidance we never received, and learning to build the life skills we should have been taught all along. If you've ever felt like everyone else got an instruction manual for adulthood except you, this conversation is for you.

Transcript

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Razi 0:31

Welcome to Cycle Breakers Anonymous, the podcast where healing gets honest.

Raven 0:35

We are Raven and Razi, two sisters navigating life after trauma while learning how to break cycles instead of repeating them.

Razi 0:42

Each week, we talk about the messy, uncomfortable, funny, exhausting, and empowering parts of rebuilding our lives.

Raven 0:48

And we're figuring out who we are while survival mode is no longer our full-time job. This is a space for real conversation, real growth, and real people trying to do better for themselves and the next generation.

Razi 1:00

Some episodes may include discussions of trauma, abuse, addiction, or other triggering topics. So please take care of yourself while listening. You are not alone. Welcome to the chat.

Raven 1:11

Welcome back to another episode of Cycle Breakers Anonymous.

Razi 1:14

We are excited to be here with you right after the 4th of July. We mentioned right after Father's Day that a lot of people don't have family and friends that they feel like they can celebrate with or that they feel safe around. So keep in mind that if you're needing some mental health help, that you seek professionals to get that help. This week we kind of want to talk about moving through the real world when you haven't necessarily had skills taught to you. So I think that speaks a lot to Raven and I's experience. Um we were kind of thrown into the world without any tools to help us figure it out.

Raven 1:55

And I think I personally am still struggling with some things. I reach out. So my healing journey was a lot slower than Razi's healing journey. Um so she got through learning a lot more about the real world than I did a lot faster.

Razi 2:12

I did I did a lot of that on my own. There was a lot of like research and Googling and things like that, but I also am very technologically savvy, and I think that that helped me a lot along the way.

Raven 2:24

I'm certainly not. Um I was never confident with a computer or a phone, even, or anything beyond sending a text or pr pressing the green phone button to call. Um I think I'm just not as skilled in that area.

Razi 2:44

So I wanna back us up to the moment we were thrown into the world. So our parents were really good at um threatening to kick out their kids whenever they turned 18. Um, I think they hit a point where they were just done parenting, if you will. Um, and they decided that any reason they could find, they would say, Hey, we're gonna we're gonna throw you out on the streets, so get prepared, basically.

Raven 3:12

To be honest, they started those threats probably about when we turned 17.

Razi 3:18

Oh, I would say before. I mean, it was always like, hey, when you're 18, you're on your own. Yeah.

Raven 3:23

So I found myself dreading my 18th birthday.

Razi 3:27

So our brother um had a full ride scholarship to a university, um, and he ended up moving out on his own, went and did his thing at the university, but didn't finish his degree. He ended up pulled into the wrong crowd and and doing drugs and all kinds of other things. And so he didn't graduate, but he did end up moving back home. But there were constant threats of if you aren't here at this exact curfew, which honestly was a ridiculous curfew for an adult of like eight or nine o'clock at night, or if you um don't if you use curse words, or if you like there's all these little nitpicky rules that if you don't do these exact same things, we cannot have you in our household at all.

Raven 4:09

And it was extremely strict.

Razi 4:11

Yeah, so I think it was easy to just push people out, but there was also no preparation of like how to look for a job, how to get your own personal documents, how to do um different just daily life things.

Raven 4:23

And there was to set up a bank account.

Razi 4:25

Exactly. There was a lot of like anxiety, I think, built up around those things because we were literally thrown out to the wild without having learned any of these skills.

Raven 4:34

Yeah, so I I ended up leaving the house because I just could not take any more of the threats and the abuse and the um especially the emotional damage I was enduring.

Razi 4:47

Um which I think is ultimately what they wanted, because they wanted us to feel like we were being pushed out, but then it was enough of us making our own decisions that way that they could say, Oh, but they chose this. Yes.

Raven 5:02

I also want to say, leaning into that, that the day that I was moving out, my dad, I remember him sitting on his recliner as I was getting my stuff, and he was kind of pulling the sad card, saying, Oh, you don't have to go, and I really wish he wouldn't do this. Mind you, after spending years threatening, telling me he wanted me out of the house, saying that I just needed to go and I wasn't wanted there, just carrying on to the point that I was done and I was leaving.

Razi 5:35

Yeah. I mean, I think that's very similar to mine. I was um working in a restaurant. Well, uh, like I was sent to go get a job as soon as I turned 14. Um, as soon as I could legally hold a job, I was it was literally my birthday that I was taken and dropped off at a nursing home and told, well, go apply for a job. I ended up getting an interview on the spot and getting a job there and starting to work. But then that led into now you're paying for a car. And they like forced me to buy the one they picked. Like there was no decisions on my part whatsoever. But here's a car, now you have to pay for the insurance yourself. Go find insurance wherever, like, no guidance there at all. Um, you also are paying for your phone, you're paying for all these things, which like I think is reasonable, but I think also there has to be some type of education. Education. Like, here's what that looks like. This is how you find a phone plan, here's how you find car insurance, which also like high school at that time didn't teach those things. No. That really fell on parents, but our parents fell short teaching those things. And so a lot of that I ended up like learning for myself and trying to figure out. Um, but again, there was no guidance. Is it reasonable for a teenager who has a job to pay for their own phone? Yeah. But then they started threatening, like, well, you're gonna start paying rent at some point or you're gonna have to start paying some of the bills and things like that. Now, side note, as a parent, I'm a firm believer that if my children are studying, going to school, bettering their education, I do not expect them to pay a dime while they're living under my roof. I do expect them to help take care of the place and I do expect them to be respectful. But other than that, they're adults and they can make their own decisions, right? Now my kids aren't adults yet. That's just my philosophy moving forward. But that wasn't the case. Like we were still treated like we were five. I held a job for a very long time, like years. And didn't they tell you you were partying at some point? Yes. So that's kind of what I'm getting to. I um I held that job for a while, and then someone who worked with me there introduced me to another job that would make me more money. It happened to be in a restaurant, whatever. So I worked my way up in that restaurant to where I ended up managing. But as a manager, and and the people who owned that restaurant didn't care about, you know, what my parents were thinking back home. It's like, you're an employee, you're um 17, 18 at this point. Um, so this is where we're putting you on the schedule. So I ended up managing overnights at this restaurant. And so I was working late nights. Of course, that conflicts with the curfew that my parents had of like eight or nine o'clock at night, is when I was expected to be back home. I couldn't tell my boss no, or else I would lose my job. And I also at the same time, like, was on the brink of losing where I was living, right? So it was at the point where my dad actually was threatening. Like, if you're staying out partying and doing all these things that he's accusing me of, then we're just gonna have to kick you out of the house. Well, again, I wasn't partying, I was managing a restaurant overnights and I was doing good because I was working my way up, right, in this job. Because our parents also, I don't feel like valued education in any way. So it was like job, work, make money, and that's it. Right. So I ended up um moving out because of that. But I it didn't get to the point where he actually kicked me out. It was just that the threats and the pressure was so high, I just got boxes and I said, okay, I'm leaving. And at that point, that also coincides with when I was working with the person who's now my ex-husband. Um, and I ended up, we were in a dating relationship unbeknownst to my parents, even though I was an adult and I had every reason to be able to be in a relationship. I still couldn't tell my parents because they would kick me out because of that too, right? So I was in this relationship with this person, I ended up moving in with him, and then I just decided, you know what, that's it. I'm just, I'm gonna move out. And so that's how I ended up being introduced to the real world. Um, I think I was luckier when it came to like personal documents because I found, like, I was handed my social security card and things like that. I figured out, I Googled how to find my own birth certificate. I was able to get all those documents and things like that. Um, but again, technology helped me in a lot of ways because I was like, Google, how do I get a bank account? Google, how do I do this?

Raven 10:00

To be honest, I think a lot of the things that a lot of the the stuff that helped me held me back was my confidence. I think that I doubted myself so firmly that I wouldn't try on a lot of things. I just kind of sat there and let myself kind of fail until things were down to the wire and I had to make decisions.

Razi 10:22

Yeah. I also think our parents, like, I think they strategically kept us from the outside world because we weren't allowed to have friends in school. I had one friend spend the night one time, and then after that night, because it kind of ended crazy, we I wasn't ever allowed to have another friend over. So I didn't have friends. I didn't have like sure I had people that I would go say hey to at school, but I wouldn't consider them necessarily my friends, like true friendships. Um so, and I think a lot of the reason we weren't really introduced or socialized in public, I should say. Like, I almost sound like I'm talking like dogs. We were not socialized. We weren't. We weren't taken out in public. We weren't, we weren't around a lot of family because family on both sides cut us all off. I think it was strategic because I feel like if people would have seen what was actually happening behind the scenes, they probably would have called the state or something, and we probably would have been removed from the home and we probably would have been put in foster care and stuff like that. But um the outside world was not allowed to see what was happening. So I think because of that, I built a lot of anxiety towards the world. It was kind of like, you know. I feel like it was almost too big to face.

Raven 11:35

They everything, our whole lives were constricted in this tiny little environment to just our siblings and our parents and a grandmother. Um so when we were put out, this the world just expanded so massively that it was intimidating.

Razi 11:53

Yeah. So like on that note, the things I had anxiety around were in hindsight ridiculous. Going to the grocery store was Oh my god, it was debilitating for me. And like for me to go in and grab a shopping cart or ordering food for myself, like going through the drive-thru was terrifying. Like I, you know, making decisions in public, terrifying. And the general public don't have patience for people who have anxiety to the degree in which I had it.

Raven 12:24

Yes.

Razi 12:24

So like I literally, when I was going through the the store, I had this like pattern of steps, which is almost autistic, which you know is something that I believe that I could struggle with, but like this pattern of thoughts where it was like, okay, when I go into the store, my hands cannot be in my pockets because I don't want people to think I'm stealing anything. Same. When I leave the store, my hands cannot be in my pockets because I don't want people to believe I'm stealing anything. Everything has to be in a grocery bag. Ever I have to have the receipt out in the open. Yes. I still do that. And why? Because, like, first of all, like I am a white person who honestly probably should be carrying around a lot of privilege, but I was terrified. Yes. Terrified. And and I don't say that to be racist. I I am a teacher and I understand cultures and I understand races in a different way, where like, you know, a black person or a Hispanic person can go into the store and automatically people are thinking, oh, they're probably gonna steal something, right? Like that's the mentality around race. So as a white person, I shouldn't have felt that way, but I did. Does that make sense? Oh, totally. I feel like I sound like a crazy person saying that. No, I could totally get into all of these other theories and things that I have in my mind. Um, but stereotypically, like we were in poverty too, which I think could have added to that. Yeah. So, but why should I be going into the store fearing that the police are gonna come get me? Because which I think that stems from things that our parents have said. They have said so. Oh, we're gonna call the police, you know.

Raven 13:53

Like going through Walmart, I remember wanting a sample. And I and um like literally, these are silly things, but it is a silly thing. I wanted a sample at a big chain store, and my dad did not want me to have it. I took it anyway. He said that he was gonna call the police on me because that was theft.

Razi 14:15

Yeah, it's like so like we had all these crazy microaggressions ingrained into our brains to where we thought we were like criminals constantly, right? But it was literally debilitating. I can remember times where like I could not feel my legs walking through the grocery store or like I panicked in the in the line to order food at a fast food restaurant.

Raven 14:37

I move way faster in a grocery store. I feel like I'm at a point now where I have to mentally tell myself this isn't an emergency, slow down. Yeah, like you don't have to haul ass through the store. Yeah. But before I was just walking as fast as I could just to get it over with.

Razi 14:54

Yeah. But then there's like additional fears. Okay, maybe someone is following me. Maybe someone's gonna like kidnap me. I'm a full-grown adult. I mean, it's still possible, but like all these thoughts that we're trained as kids. Oh, here's another silly example. And I feel like we're jumping around a lot here, but I also feel like all of this is so relevant to who we are. Shoes. Buying shoes, man. I went into a store one time and I needed to buy shoes, and I'm 18 or 19 at this point, and I'm like trying to figure out which shoes I'm going to buy a little bit bigger so that I can grow into them. And then I had a moment where I was like, Are you fucking stupid? Like, you're done growing, you don't need shoes to grow into. You know what I mean? Like anyway.

Raven 15:39

I also think there was a weird guilt around buying new things for me, too.

Razi 15:43

Oh yeah.

Raven 15:44

I feel like we spent our lives being handed down so many things, and they were junky things so frequently. We we looked like rug rats.

Razi 15:54

Um nothing fit well in yeah.

Raven 16:00

So actually doing something nice for ourselves, I think, especially for me, I think it caused a lot of guilt. I still struggle with the guilt, I think.

Razi 16:11

Oh yeah, definitely. But I so that also brings up another point of like finances. Yes. We weren't taught how to manage finances. Here was the picture of how we were taught to manage finances. We see, okay, I could see mom like every month balancing her checkbook, figuring out the bills, paying the bills, things like that. But what we didn't see behind the scenes was she was months behind. And the other thing that I saw was dad was really the moneymaker. Mom retired when I was younger. Um, she ended up going back to work. There was always fights between them about whether or not they could work, whether or not they couldn't. It was wild. That's a whole different story. But dad brings in money, mom spends it, all of it. Yes, like nothing left, no emergency fund.

Raven 16:57

Also pulling out credit cards and boiling those to the point of no return.

Razi 17:03

Yeah. And like to the point where our dad was hiding money, because I think he wanted to be more financially responsible, but because he let her manage the finances, that wasn't happening. But I also think there's a little bit of fault on him there too for not being more involved in that process because they still struggle with it today. Yeah. So, like we see money comes in, you spend the money. So naturally, when I first started managing money, money came in, I spent the money. Right. But I now I have a better grip on that, but this has only been within the last like five years that I've actually built myself up financially to where I have a stable savings account. I even have savings accounts for my girls. Um, but that was just that's just another example of how we grew up without the tools that we needed to be able to thrive and survive. So I kind of want to look into how we are now. I feel like I've done a lot of the talking, so I'm gonna ask you some questions. Okay. Um do you feel like when you go into a grocery store or when you go through a fast food line, you still struggle with those things?

Raven 18:10

I do. I don't think it's as bad as it was when I was younger. Um I'm 34 now. Um, and I feel like when I go into a store, sometimes I think people are watching to make sure, make sure I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be doing. Or if I see someone more than once, I'm like, oh God, they're like one of the Walmart spies. Like, wait, hold on. Did you say Walmart spies? Is that even a thing? It is. There are people that they hire that are kind of part of a security team. They wear normal clothing and they walk around pretending to shop in Walmart. Sometimes they'll have stuff in the cart or whatever. I'm so good at Google this. Usually they don't, but um, they will look for individuals who may be suspicious and then just kind of pop around, peek at them, and make sure they're not taking anything. And I believe it's like such a wild conspiracy theory. I believe I've experienced it a couple times, and it it makes me nervous. I mean, are you out there stealing? No, but exactly, but I get guilty feelings like I've already done it somehow because of how we were raised. Isn't that crazy?

Razi 19:22

Like it's so crazy how how those emotions follow us. I agree, I don't struggle to the extreme that I did before. Yeah. One, I'm medicated. Same. And two, I feel like um there are some habits, like the pocket habit that I had, like keeping my hands out of my pockets, I don't really care about that as much as I did before.

Raven 19:45

My hands must be on the cart or holding my bag or my phone in front of me. I will not. I will not put my hands in my pockets.

Razi 19:53

Checkouts, though, are a trigger for me. Oh. In both ways. So if I go through the self-checkout, I am literally, I don't know if you can imagine this, but I'll pick up an item out of my cart, like very obviously, and like pull it up and scan it, and then pull it up and put it in the bag. So whoever's watching me in the self-checkout knows that I just scanned that one item and then I'm doing it again with the next one because I'm so afraid that they're gonna catch me stealing. My husband drives me crazy.

Raven 20:20

But you are stealing.

Razi 20:20

My husband drives me crazy though, because he'll grab the bags and put them in the cart before I'm done. And there could be stuff I'm still scanning in the cart, and I'm like, no, no, no. Like I will literally have a moment where it's like, no, no, no, you have to leave the bags over here until I pay. Yes. Like I'm very particular. But then on the other hand, if I go through a lane with a person, it's not about the stealing. It's like, is I have money, like I'm not wealthy by any means, but I feel like pretty comfortable with how I live, right? But I constantly think, is my debit card gonna get declined? Am I like gonna be standing here with no money all of a sudden? I have no idea what's what's happening. Like it's that like poverty mindset of like, and then if I do, are they gonna get mad at me? Will I will they give me a chance to go grab money to be able to like pay for? You know, it's like this whole panic dialogue goes through my head, for what reason? Yes.

Raven 21:10

No, I totally agree. And even um, like at a gas station, for instance, this happened to me probably about two or three years ago. Um, I went to a gas station and I need to pay, and I realized that I left my wallet in the car. And I prepay, mind you, I did not pump first. I I prepay, but I realized I didn't have the money and I panicked so hard I went to a different gas station.

Razi 21:32

I could not stay. I have so done that before. Man, if any of these stories are something that you resonate with because you also struggle with ridiculous anxiety, I hope you can see that you're not alone and that um there are other people who struggle with the exact same things. Um maybe if it gets to be too much, you can always find assistance. Seek help, get medicated like us. Medication's not the only answer. There are lots of things that you can do with anxiety. In fact, one of the future episodes that I want to cover is about coping skills and some of the ways that we have managed our anxiety.

Raven 22:12

Um but yeah. Thank you for listening. It's been great, and I think this episode was pretty fun and amusing.

Razi 22:21

Yeah, it was fun. Sharing some of these stories, like it does make you laugh looking back in hindsight because like the things that we were afraid over, and some of the things we still are afraid over or anxious about are honestly ridiculous and silly. But I think it it shows a bigger picture behind the scenes. Yeah. So again, thanks for listening in. Um, we will see you again next week with another episode of Cycle Breakers Anonymous.

Raven 22:50

Before we go, we want to leave you with this reminder. Not everyone grows up with parents or family members who celebrate their victories, milestones, and moments of growth. If that's been your experience, we see you.

Razi 23:00

So whether you landed a new job, finished a book, made it through a hard week, set a healthy boundary, or simply got out of bed today when it felt possible. We want to celebrate with you. Share your wins with us, big or small, they matter. You don't have to carry your accomplishments away. Until next time, keep breaking cycles, keep using growth, and remember, you deserve to be celebrated.

Speaker 2 23:24

Another chapter comes to a close.