Let's Talk About Coping Skills!

Not all coping skills are created equal. Some help us heal, while others simply help us survive one more day. In this episode of Cycle Breakers Anonymous, we dive into the coping mechanisms we developed growing up, and how those habits have shaped our lives. We share some personal stories, practical coping strategies, and a few unconventional techniques that have helped us along the way. Whether you're looking for new tools or simply want to understand why you cope the way you do, this conversation is a reminder that healing isn't about never struggling, but instead about learning healthier ways to navigate life's hardest moments. 

Transcript

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Speaker 1 0:31

Welcome to Cycle Breakers Anonymous, the podcast where healing gets honest. We are Raven and Razi, two sisters navigating life after trauma while learning how to break cycles instead of repeating them. Each week, we talk about the messy, uncomfortable, funny, exhausting, and empowering parts of rebuilding our lives. And we're figuring out who we are while survival mode is no longer our full-time job. This is a space for real conversation, real growth, and real people trying to do better for themselves and the next generation. Some episodes may include discussions of trauma, abuse, addiction, or other triggering topics. So please take care of yourself while listening. You are not alone. Welcome to the chat.

Razi 1:11

Hello and welcome back to another episode of Cycle Breakers Anonymous. This coming week, Hubby and I are taking a road trip with our three kids and with my niece and nephew. And it kind of brought up some thoughts about travel when we were younger.

Raven 1:26

Travel when we were younger was definitely interesting. Um, it was intense, it was stressful, it was um mentally draining.

Razi 1:35

Yes. Um, I feel like whenever we were in a vehicle, we there was definitely an expectation of like you don't talk. Like you you don't talk at all. It doesn't matter how many hours we're in the car, it could be four, it could be twelve, you don't talk.

Raven 1:49

Yeah. Having to sit in silence. And if you did talk, you had somebody giving you the most really, it was our dad giving us the most threatening look through the rear view or threatening to punish us.

Razi 2:00

Road trips were never really um fun, I think, when we were younger. Um, even when we got to our destination, it was almost like walking on pins and needles whenever we would walk into the hotel or wherever we were staying. Because, like, when it's time for dad to unload the vehicle, if you are in the way at all, you are going to get it. And you have to move fast, you have to carry everything, follow every direction.

Raven 2:24

It was like a military movement. I also feel like you and I fought a lot. We did. We did a lot. We could not get along, but I also think it was the pressure of the situation we were in.

Razi 2:33

Well, and we weren't necessarily taught how to communicate with each other either. Emotional um intelligence was not something we were high in when we were younger. No, not at all. I remember one time that makes me laugh. Like it whenever I think of road tripping when we were younger and staying in hotels, I always think of this one moment when like every time we would share a hotel, you and I would share a bed. Yes. And we were fighting a lot, and so one of us ended up having to sleep on the floor, and it was me, and I was still so angry with you. I started sleep talking.

Raven 3:03

Yes. Do you remember what I said? Um no, I I don't remember it quite quite well.

Razi 3:08

I was yelling at you for washing clean dishes.

Speaker 1 3:10

Yes. I do.

Razi 3:12

And then there was another time that I always laugh until I cry when I think about it. We were staying in a hotel. We had our own room, actually. This was more like a like a condo, and in our own room we had two beds and we took our favorite stuffed animals, right?

Raven 3:29

We each had a stuffed animal we were given when we were born. Hers was this little mouse, and mine was a bear.

Razi 3:36

Yeah, and so given that we had our own room, we were a little bit wilder in there than we probably should have been because we had more freedom than we'd ever had before. Yes. So we spent some time we decided to turn the lights off. And we were jumping on the beds and tossing um Raven's teddy bear back and forth. Um, and then I decided to grab it by its leg and swing it around in circles, kind of like thinking like cowboy with a lasso kind of thing. Um, and then all of a sudden and it was dark. It was dark because we had the lights off. We heard this horrible tearing sound, and all of a sudden what was in my hand felt a lot lighter. So this teddy bear had gotten caught in the ceiling fan as I was swinging it around. I knew how much this bear meant to her, too. And the leg was the only thing I was holding in my hand at this point. I I hid the leg behind my back. I could only think to myself, like, oh shit. Raven's gonna kill me. Um, yeah, that was that was one for the books. I don't even remember the outcome after that. I just remember the feeling in that moment of like my heart dropping into my stomach. I think that's definitely one of my favorite road trip stories that we have. That was hilarious. I think uh one of the things that talking about road tripping as we were younger makes me thankful for is that now I have um these wonderful children who do have a little more emotional intelligence. And my amazing husband and um we plan really hard to make things enjoyable, to make the car enjoyable, to make um the activities enjoyable, and everybody has a say in what we're doing. Of course, I think it helps that like we are financially better off now than we were when we were younger. I do think that plays a part in vacationing and making it more enjoyable. But in general, like we really value experiences together, and I think the kids do too.

Raven 6:06

They put together these awesome little pamphlets um with activities and and maps for where they're going. And I mean, it's an incredible thing.

Razi 6:17

It has like games in it, like where you can mark off each of the license plates, and it has like count the fast food restaurants or even big kids' scavenger hunts and things like that. But then also for when we get to where we're going, it has maps of the museums that we're gonna visit, has a wish list of activities, a schedule that we can write in because we're gonna vote on the activities that we want to do. Um, yeah. My kids do like to fight a lot, but we also just recently bought a 12-passenger van.

Raven 6:45

So it's a big fat white van.

Razi 6:49

Yeah, and so they get plenty of space this time, and I feel really like good about myself because I got super organized and I made these little caddies for each of the rows. They have their own little trash cans and all these things, and I just keep thinking to myself, like, I wonder how long this is gonna last. So um, I think I'm definitely thankful for um being able to road trip with people who really appreciate it, and and we're gonna have a lot of fun together. I'm excited. What we really wanted to get into today, though, was talking about coping skills because we've given a lot of our history in the past several episodes, but knowing our history and moving forward from that, we also have to talk a little bit about like what are some things that helped us get through some of the toughest moments.

Raven 7:36

So I think for me, one of my favorite things that I like to do, especially if I'm having a trip into like an anxious meltdown or an anxiety attack of some sort, my favorite coping skill that I've been working with is that 54321 method. I don't remember what it's called, but it's like you sit and you name five things you can see, four things you can smell, three things that are the color blue, etc. And it really helps to kind of re-center yourself when you're having a hard time.

Razi 8:06

You know what's interesting is that um you and I have had a lot of conversations recently about autism and things like that and how it runs in our family. We both feel like we carry some autistic traits. Um, but you bring that specific strategy up, and that's one that I use with my middle child who is autistic. Oh. She's uh very high functioning on the spectrum, she's super intelligent, socially awkward. Um, but when she gets overwhelmed, it's usually a sensory thing. Yeah. But I distract her with that five, four, three, two, one strategy so that it gets her thinking, like, let's say if she's not liking how something sounds, then I use that five, four, three, two, one to distract to other senses. So five things you can see, four things you can smell. You know, I just distract it away from the sound that she's afraid of and um redirect the senses to other things, if that makes sense.

Raven 9:01

Yeah, absolutely. It actually reminds me, uh, as far as distracting goes, you and I had a moment where, and mind you, we've been uh Razi and I have been working on communicating in a more healthy way, and sometimes there's still those moments of oh shit, this is gonna turn out really bad, but it doesn't because we've been progressing so much. But there was a moment, I think it was like last week, when I was really already stressed out with a lot of other things that were going on, and Razi was also very stressed out with a lot of things that were going on. And the conversation got I mean, it wasn't sharp, we weren't arguing or anything, but I got very anxious and I was ready to leave the house.

Razi 9:49

I think I was like venting about all of the things that I was stressed about, and then I think she also felt targeted by part of that venting.

Raven 9:57

I did, I did, and I was ready to leave because I was like I I was really upset and worked up and anxious.

Razi 10:04

But we also had book club that day that was coming over, so it was like if she leaves, she's not gonna be here for book club, and then what do I tell everybody? And yeah.

Raven 10:14

So I was ready to leave, and I was tell trying to tell her goodbye, but she was telling me that I needed to just talk to her, and I like froze up. I could not breathe practically, I couldn't talk. My throat was like it was like paralyzed.

Razi 10:28

She literally she couldn't speak, like she was whisper speaking to me, and I was like, whoa, how did this get so bad? Like, how did how did this where did this panic come from? Because in my mind, I'm like, oh, I'm just venting to my sister, and then all of a sudden she's walking around the corner while I'm making dinner, and she's like so she offers me an ice cube to hold.

Raven 10:52

I thought this was interesting, and I would love it if you tell me how that works. But I hold this ice cube in my hand, and then she's got me working on cups, I think. We were doing like a toy story theme for our book club.

Razi 11:08

And we Because of the new Toy Story movie, yeah. We were doing I wanted to put marshmallow clouds on the inside of these cups and then a blue drink on the inside.

Raven 11:15

So I was she gave me the marshmallow fluff and had me working on that, and I calmed down. The distraction was absolutely helpful.

Razi 11:23

Distraction is super helpful for you to at least come out of that like panic state of mind because, like, scientifically, if you like put your fists together side by side, that's your brain, right? And the more that you get um worked up, the more that your brain separates the left and right, and then it can't make connections across the brain and it can't process anything logically whatsoever. So the goal is instead of solving the problem, let's get your senses back to a normal state and bring those two halves of your brain back together so you can start making logical connections back and forth across your brain. So the distraction helps with that. But the first thing I did was ice cubes because that drastic change in temperature, when I put an ice cube in both of your hands and told you to squeeze them, that drastic change in temperature shocks your nervous system. Okay. And to like instantly your brain is distracted to what your senses are feeling in your hands instead of the panic in your chest and in your head and things like that. Then once she was able to start talking, because I could not talk. Then I was like, I do have like several things that I need to get done for this book club tonight. Why don't you sit down and just help me with this one thing? And I knew that it would lean into her creativity because it was kind of an artistic type of thing. I also didn't know how to accomplish what I was trying to accomplish. But I um had her sit down and she's like, Are you trying to like do the psycho thing on me? Or psycho doctor, the psycho doctor thing on me? And I was like, Is it working? It was in fact working.

Raven 12:55

So another coping skill that comes to mind for me, which really doesn't have anything to do with distraction, it's more like working through issues without having to deal with any kind of um conflict with people that you're struggling with, like especially with um, like for instance, our parents, as we've talked about, have been narcissistic abusers. And uh I have a notebook where I write letters to people that I never give them, but I write let write letters to people about how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and how it affected me, whatever the situation might have been. And I really feel like that helps me kind of cope with what happened without having to deal with a conflict of actually bringing it up.

Razi 13:40

Yeah, because I'm sure a lot of the words that you probably put in there, like when you're facing conflict, even if it's not out loud, I feel like the first thing that you try to say usually, not you specifically, but people, the first thing that comes to mind is usually not the healthiest thing to say. So it's probably nice to get those words out on a page. I don't know if you're writing things that are more logical or more emotional, but I feel like both really. If it were me, it would definitely be like, you idiot, blah, blah, blah. No.

Raven 14:08

I mean, I have talked absolute smack in that book. Yeah. I have. And it I calm down and then I can write a letter where I'm I'm I'm talking about what's meaningful, what's really affecting me. And it also helps me work through accepting what happened, knowing that it's not gonna change, and moving on.

Razi 14:25

Yeah. I think I've had a conversation with someone else recently about this. I think it was a kiddo that was staying with us this past week because she was frustrated with some conflict and she still had questions that were unresolved. But if she had asked those questions, it would have taken us right back into the problem state instead of the problem solving state, if that makes sense. Yeah. So it's almost what I told her is like it's almost like the shower conversations, right? You get frustrated with someone, a situation, something. And then later on, when you're in the shower, you think of everything that you could have, woulda, shoulda said that would have proven to that person that you were right or whatever it is, right? Or maybe it does make sense, but also understanding that leaving those words unsaid is best for the situation. Yes. You don't always have to go back and rehash it out, right? Um, so I I think maybe that journal kind of does that for you too.

Raven 15:19

I agree. I do. I don't really do a whole lot of shower conversations, I guess. I spend my time in the shower just chilling, but I probably look like a crazy person in the shower.

Razi 15:28

I'm like, listen here, motherfucker. Just at the wall. At the wall, at the shampoo bottle. No, uh I think writing is a coping skill for me too, but it's interesting because I don't do it as much as I used to. I wrote three books worth of poetry. I published them, and then I'm pretty sure I sold like one copy to Australia. I unpublished them because I realized some flaws in like the design and stuff, and then I decided to combine them, and I'm gonna republish all of them as one book instead. I I have it all put together. I haven't finished doing all the formatting and things like that. Once I fix that all up, I'll republish it. But that's kind of where the the name that I'm using for this podcast came from, Razie Clarice. It came from poetry that I wrote when I was in some of my darkest moments. Like all of my poetry, uh, I shouldn't say all, because I do have a few positive ones, but my best poetry is super negative, honestly, because that's where I was pouring my emotions out. I would see something or I would hear something, and I'm like, oh, that'd be a good theme for a poem. And then I would just cope that way. I have a lot of poetry about family, I have a lot of poetry about you, honestly. Yeah, no, I have and you've read them all. I have a lot of poetry about um exes, like, and then I have a couple positive ones. So um I have one toward at the end of the book that basically I think it was called Poetry is Dead because I ended up in a very happy relationship, a happy place. I started feeling really successful in life, and it was like I have no more poems to write, I have nothing negative left to write. So I kind of stopped with the poetry since then. I've written one or two here and there. Um, I actually burned the originals. Wow. I did. I burned all the notebook pages that I wrote them on before I typed them. Um, and I kind of moved on in that way. But I do still write in the form of like guided journals. Okay, do a lot of guided journals. Guided journals.

Raven 17:41

I think that it's nice and helpful to have the prompt so you can actually think about things that you're not act not normally picking up on.

Razi 17:47

Yeah. So I have guided journals that take you through like CRT therapy, which is where you put like negative thoughts and then it asks you questions and guides you to rephrase it into positive thoughts. I have guided journals for just everyday life. You got me onto this ADHD cleaning journal. Yes. Which for the record I've used one page of. Um I'm doing better with it though. And then I have like, I'm a religious person, so I have a prayer journal that I keep track of. Um, I have a lot of different journals for different things. I think writing is still a coping skill of mine.

Raven 18:21

I think another coping skill for me is art. I'm an artist as big time in general. Um, I paint, I make jewelry, I make sun catchers, I do all the things. And it's gorgeous art. Thank you. And um one of the things that I do is as far as it's kind of like art therapy, I guess, as I will paint how I'm feeling on a canvas, and I think some of my best ones were when I was just raged out, angry. And I would paint in the colors that I felt like were connected to those feelings, and I would paint images and phrases and words all over the canvas, and then at the very end, and I would listen to music the whole time, listen to music that fit the feeling, and then at the very end, I would paint black over the entire canvas, and that is my therapy canvas. You're also a music writer. I do write some music. I have no, but I mean like you write two music. I do. I do I use music, okay. So I write books that are more on the lines of fiction, and I use music that inspires the scenes that I'm writing.

Razi 19:36

So I think music plays a big role in the background of a lot of things that you're doing because that's what helps you feel your emotions or at least fall into those a little more.

Raven 19:44

Yes. It allows me to feel them without the barriers of feeling shame of feeling those things too.

Razi 19:51

Music is another like huge coping skill of mine. I didn't get the physically artistic side of the family like Raven did, because like our entire family is full of artists, and that's something that I've always like bragged about. I always thought it was really cool. And don't get me wrong, like I can do more than stick figures, but I'm definitely not anywhere near as artistic as everyone else. And I think part of that is just because I don't put the time into that skill, because it's not something I enjoy as much. But music, I can play just about any instrument that I touch. I can sing, I can do all the things. Extremely talented with music and just playing it by ear. Yeah, it just and that's one of the things that going back to the autism conversation, it's one of those traits that make me go, hmm, maybe I am a little autistic. Um, because yeah, I can I can go to the piano, I hear a song one time and I'm like, oh, pick it out. Done. There it is. But that's another coping school. If I get really upset, I can just go sit at the piano, I can go grab my guitar, I can, you know, do whatever and just play or sing and I was gonna say we both also sing.

Raven 20:52

We're both, in my opinion, pretty good at singing. And I think that I use a lot of singing and vocalizing, and it really just helps me get those emotions out.

Razi 21:04

Yeah. I think music is kind of a cliche um coping skill for a lot of people, but it works. It does. I think one thing that and you might have a different opinion. I'm curious what you have to say on this, but like our niece recently got an MP3 player because she's dealing with all the trauma in her life, which um she l currently lives with our parents. And uh that's been a struggle. But she recently got an MP3 player and she asked me to put music on it, but the list that she gave me was all dark, which don't get me wrong, throwing dark songs in there here and there is very healing because it helps you process the things that you're feeling. But I don't know how I feel about living in the dark music because it's literally like the dinner table, she's listening to the music, you know, outworking, she's listening to the music. It's in her ears 24 7.

Raven 22:00

You have to have some positive in there. You absolutely do. I listen to dark music quite frequently. I I think that it's healthy to listen to to the darker music because it does help me work through and accept a lot of things that I've been through. But I also think that I would be in a really, really screwed up place if that was all I listened to. Like I have to have some positivity in there.

Razi 22:23

Do you feel like it makes a difference that you're in a healthier state of mind now that you're able to like being able to listen to that now versus being able to listen to that back when you were in like that other town that you moved from in Kansas? Uh-huh. Do you think that it makes a difference? The state of mind that you're in, being able to listen to it and process it differently?

Raven 22:46

Does that make sense? Yeah. I think that with a healthier mind and better coping skills and better, I would say, more emotional intelligence, I can process it a lot better than I would then. Like if I only listened to the dark stuff back then, which I did, I was just constantly depressed. I was constantly angry. I was not dealing with things well. I was very withdrawn and inside myself and detached. And I think it it matters. If you're already in a dark spot, you don't want to flood yourself with more dark.

Razi 23:25

So um I think that the things that we've named are pretty traditional coping skills, right? I think so. Um so I just kind of want to wrap this up by listing some other coping skills that would be good ones for anyone else to be able to use. So according to Chat GPT, the top 10 coping skills are supported by psychological research and are commonly taught by therapists because they help regulate emotions, reduce stress, and improve resilience. Number one, can you guess what it is?

Raven 24:00

Journaling?

Razi 24:01

No, it's actually deep breathing. Oh, okay. Um, so there are several different types of breathing. You can do box breathing, which is like you breathe in for four seconds while you're drawing a box. Beatboxing. You breathe in for four seconds while you're starting to draw one side of the box, breathe out for four seconds while you're drawing the other side of the box, breathe in again while you draw another side of the box, and breathe out again to complete your box. Um there are like my youngest daughter's favorite is rainbow breaths. So as you breathe in, you bring your arms all the way up, and then as you breathe out, you bring them down like a rainbow. Um, number two, physical exercise. Anything from walking to running, dancing, strength training, stretching, physical exercise is a big one. Uh mindfulness and meditation.

Raven 24:51

Oh, I love that one.

Razi 24:52

I do love that one, but I think I love it more now because way back when I think it would have put me in a more depressed state. Really? Why? I do. I think just the quiet and the emptiness in my mind, I was not good at meditating on positive things. Now I feel pretty good about it, and it's nice to kind of dump my brain and like think about how I physically feel or like think about how I uh mentally feel, you know, things like that, and kind of connect to myself. Um, journaling is number four. Talking to someone is number five. Grounding techniques are number six, and that's my personal favorite. I taught a lot of grounding techniques in the classroom when I was a classroom teacher. Oh, and holding ice is listed in here. Um, positive self-talk, creative expression, and healthy distraction, along with um problem solving, breaking your problems into smaller steps, making a plan, and focusing on what you can tr control. Um, and then I asked it to list 10 unconventional coping skills. One is cold temperature reset, holding an ice pack on your face, splashing cold water on your face, or drinking ice water slowly. Um, worry appointment is number two. So scheduling 15 minutes later in the day to worry, which is actually I really like that idea. I like thinking about worrying later. Um, building a comfort box, which includes your favorite things like candy, a fidget toy, photos, a soft blanket, essential oil, and encouraging notes. Oh, I love that. I love that too. And I think like as a mom, I could even have my kids write encouraging notes and put it in there, and then we could make a box for each person in the family. Yeah. I think that'd be fun.

Raven 26:30

I love that idea.

Razi 26:31

Movie soundtrack therapy. This sounds right up your alley. Listen to movie scores instead of songs with lyrics. Instrumental music can help regulate emotions without reinforcing negative thoughts. And then talk to yourself in third person. Instead of I'm overwhelmed, say Razi is having a hard day. What does she need right now? That one sounds silly, but I kind of get the idea of stepping outside of yourself and thinking, like, if this were a different person, what would I say to them?

Raven 26:57

Honestly, that one kind of reminds me of like some uh inner child healing therapy that I've heard where you you talk to your inner child and you're like, oh, Raven is really struggling. What does Raven need? What would Raven ask for in an adult right now?

Razi 27:13

Yeah. Um, and then the last few ones create an emergency playlist. It could be a calming one, an energizing one, a positive memories one, songs that make you laugh. Progressive muscle muscle tension. I like that one. I used it in the classroom too. So you tense each of your muscle groups for five to ten seconds and then release them. Um, using humor on purpose. I do this a lot. When my husband and I sit and watch TV at night, especially before bed, if he puts on something stressful or there's news or something like that, I'm like, can we like watch a comedy? And then we'll put that on and I'll feel like I can actually sleep. Yes. Um, changing your environment, especially connecting with nature. That's a big one. And then the tiny victory challenge when everything feels overwhelming, complete one very small task, make your bed, wash one dish, fold one shirt, drink a glass of water, send one email. Small accomplishments can create momentum and help reduce feelings of being stuck. Oh, I like that one. I might try that one myself. Yeah. So I think there are a lot of great resources out there, and I think that we went a little bit longer than we normally do today. Um, but I hope that this conversation helps you if you're needing it with um finding healthy ways to cope and um relating to us and our stories.

Raven 28:32

If you have any other ideas that we didn't bring up, I would love to hear them.

Razi 28:37

All right. Well, we will see you guys next time.

Speaker 1 28:41

Before we go, we want to leave you with this reminder. Not everyone grows up with parents or family members who celebrate their victories, milestones, and moments of growth. If that's been your experience, we see you. So whether you landed a new job, finished a book, made it through a hard week, set a healthy boundary, or simply got out of bed today when it felt impossible. We want to celebrate with you. Share your wins with us, big or small, they matter. You don't have to carry your accomplishments away. Until next time, keep breaking cycles, keep using growth, and remember, you deserve to be celebrated.

Raven 29:15

Another chapter comes to a cloud.